Growing Pains

A friend of mine told me once “As she grows you’ll be tempted to think that who she is at any given moment is who she will be. It’s not. She’ll become many things and they’ll all be different.” This had a big impact on me. I remind myself of it often and it helps me to step back from the things you do and better understand why you’re acting a certain way. More specifically, why you NEED to act a certain way. Rather than seeing your actions as something that should be corrected, I often see them as something that’s required for you to grow. I try to understand my role and play it accordingly.

There’s a very familiar pattern I see with you. You spend some time being wonderful, sweet, loving and funny. You happily comply with the things we ask you to do. Then you start to turn. You start saying “no”. You throw some fits and lay down on the floor to resist. Our natural inclination is to increase “discipline” to make sure you don’t become a “bad girl”. This is what my friend warned me about. Fear that your actions will “become you” if we don’t stop them.

What I’ve come to realize is this is just another duality, compliance vs non-compliance, which flows back and forth as you grow. You can only grow so much doing what other people tell you to do. There’s a point when you feel secure enough with your level of growth that you plateau. Then the wicked serpent comes and whispers in your ear, “there’s something more to know than what mommy and daddy are telling you” and you can only find it by pushing back and testing us. So you throw down the gauntlet and resist. You push us and draw out different actions and reactions. You expand your circle of understanding until you tire of being alone, and then you settle back into being comfortable again, being “with” us. But somehow you have grown. You have become more sophisticated in your interactions with the world. You learned something.

The Game of Getaway

When you were born there was no separation between you and mommy. You were completely and utterly dependent. You would cry out into the blurry haze and suddenly you’re hunger was satiated. You’d seek comfort and it would come. Your every need was met on demand as if you were the one meeting your own needs. Eventually you gained enough physical ability and awareness to recognize that you are separate from mommy. That you are independent. But also that there is a dependency.

 

But this process took time. For almost the whole first year of your life, it was critical that your every demand was met. That you felt secure in the safety of mommy/daddy space. By doing our job right, you felt comfortable with the “known” and became bold and began to venture out. You began to push the boundary of your circle to try and get away from mommy/daddy. It was a game of “getaway”. Despite this being scary for us as you clamored around oblivious to the dangers lurking all around you, at this early stage of development it was obvious you needed to do it (though it drove mommy crazy). And it was obvious that we still needed to keep you safe while you did it. This was the whole point of the game. You needed to know that we still had your back. So we did and you developed a sense of security when pushing the boundaries.

I feel confident at this point that you’ve developed a healthy comfort level with playing getaway. I hope to always recognize it and play the proper role in it. I also believe it will be harder to recognize that this is the same game you’re playing as you grow older and it becomes more sophisticated. It will eventually become confused and entangled with my own limitations and at some point, I won’t be able to keep you safe anymore. You’ll have to do that for yourself. Then you will truly be independent.

This pattern of living comfortably with your family or friends or your employer or society, with being comfortable with yourself, and then needing to resist, disrupt, and change who you are, will happen your whole life. The comfort you have playing getaway will be a strength, allowing you to grow well beyond those who don’t play. Learn to recognize what’s happening to you. Understand that it will make some people uncomfortable and they might try and stop you. Learn to handle it with care and respect. Handle us with honor. But do it. Don’t feel guilty. Do what you need to do. The people that truly love you will understand even if it’s difficult, and they will be there to support you. The people who are only using you for their own purposes will not. Feel comfortable that you exposed them for who they really are…

and then get away.